For the past, month perhaps, my state of being has not been particularly communicable. The answer to, ‘how are you’, was often, ‘i dont know’. Then I didn’t really feel I had much of a place to start conversations with other people if I was unable to communicate with myself. I had some moments of automation which did not require the real Sheridan to be uncovered.

I can help people and be functional with work and things without actually being Sheridan. I suppose that is still who I am, but it has become second nature to the point where even if my imaginary dog dies, I can still help you with your boyfriend or explain the projectile motion used in my game. Because I can perform most tasks that I do in a normal week, I have not felt an urgent need to evaluate myself. People who ask how I am doing don’t really need to know. Nor do I. Auto-pilot Sheridan is pretty decent.

I found more and more solace in my foreign language music. When taking a break from kpop or jrock I jumped over to my original non-english love, french dancypop. I was excited for Lost again, a television show that has more things that don’t make sense, than ones that do. And some more music that messes with my head. Breakbeat Trip-hop.

I became fascinated about learning very random topics. Celebrated holidays in Korea including White Day, Green Day, Hug Day; the lunisolar calendar which I can’t really quite grasp how it re-aligns itself; Watching David Blaine explain how he can oxygenate his lungs and then go under water for 17 minutes with a near certain belief he would blackout; a Japanese pop star with a entirely computer generated voice and a green haired anime girl; these make up some of the things on my mind lately.

These things don’t really make sense, nor are they particularly relevant to anything in my life. It is easier to avoid thinking about my state if I keep my brain in a world in which I don’t participate in. I suppose that’s part of the appeal of role playing games, fantasy novels, and hallucinogenetic drugs. But I wouldn’t know from experience. Frankly they scare me.

So ya, brain disconnection. I will leave you with this JRock engrish gem.
“There is the time level that wants to bark at even whom.
I let you sing ’cause there is few it and is good, and send it.”

I’ve admired some successful people who are absolutely focused on one goal and are at the top of their field. They push through trials and make many sacrifices to get to where they are, combined with raw natural ability.

But do I admire these people now? Umm, not necessarily. Maybe all those sacrifices were bad sacrifices. Is it better to be the number one physicist in the world and divorced, or number eight, with a happy wife?

Is it better to be the king of pop, or the duchess of dutch youtube covers?
Do you really want to be good at one thing and only one thing? Or maybe masterful in two, three four things as in the case of Michael and straight up twisted in so many other things.

Then there are the people who devote themself fully, and come up short. These are the majority but you don’t hear about them. How many people worked just as hard as michael jordan but never even played in a televised basketball game. Tons. They invested so much and could have made even bigger sacrifices, all for what?

There is the tragedy of being a circle also. I’ve tried to become more versatile, learning skills that I’m not normally good at. Drawing for one, and driving for another. Sometimes these versatilities prove to be useful, or expand my horizons. However if I spent an equal amount of time drawing as driving as programming, then I don’t think i’d be good enough to make a living at any of them. Also, if I am in the mix of a large group of people, all the master at a few things, and I can adequately perform the same tasks at a lower rate. Am I important? If something had to be done, then the master would be the best to do it. In baseball, the utility players are often what you describe the bench players since the starters all have a mastered role.

Being average at everything also makes you pretty boring I think. Nobody is enthused by someone with twenty passions. University degrees sometimes try to encourage well-roundedness. But when all is said and done, a single degree has a single subject and single focus. Gone are the days where generalists can tend the farm, build a shack, herd some goats and charm the damsels. Now we value specialists, but when they go too far, who is there to catch them? Do we even care that they fall? How many of us just look for those opportunities to become even better in that one category and who are we to assume we can navigate the narrowing cliff side without disaster?

For others spikes or amoebas might be perfect for them, or lead them to ruin. I try to be a raindrop although …
if (currenttime-time < lately) { setmode(spike); }.
Ya, I went there. Point proved.

I really like a good solid word, one that describes a lot without needing to expand or explain.
I can write something that I feel is quite full and detailed about myself, and yet only has 9 adjective words.
Can you boil yourself down into three words? Baked? Fried? Toasted?

I was
Unconventional – Wise – Careful

I am
Versatile – Ambitious – Supportive

I want to be
Disciplined – Bold – Influential

As per my outlined five greetings below, the real question on my mind, is how do you go from Oh come here! to Oh you… from *hugs* to *shun*

Aside: I did a bit of this self asking question thing I don’t like that much, but it fit into some of my points so it grew into a literary device theme. When I read this again in a few months I will probably hate it and delete them all.

1. Date and dump. This is a pretty easy way to hurt their feelings, turn friends into enemies. I haven’t really done this ever. Hooray? … yes!

2. Roadblock. Sometimes when you’re talking about something significant to one or both of you, a disagreeance or opinionated comment can really put up a roadblock. If you offend someone, or totally reject them based on a major principle, then it is extremely rare to continue to grow unless one or both parties is very gracious and flexible. Black Eyed Peas make the most atrocious music, if you are inspired by I gotta feeling, you need some grammar lessons, and I hope you don’t insert random reverent hebrew sayings in the middle of a party — or shout out DRANK and the days of the week. Take it off?… NO! (did i offend you? if so, it was intentional)
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My blogs and notebooks have gone for quite a while untouched.
The questions like, how are you doing, or how is life have gone unasked.
Or in the cases they are asked, the tone or audience is bothersome.
So what happens to my mind, and soul if they are left to their lonesome?

I have known this before about myself, and I think it is a general human trait. My thoughts loop when I don’t get them out. I don’t escape from them, but I hope they fade away. I can numb them or distract myself from them but that is just as productive as shutting my eyes in the face of a mountain lion. It is still there. When I open my eyes I will see it, and if I close my eyes shut, it can still get me.

So what do I think about? What does any single 25 year old games programmer think about? Women, specific ones, and the concepts of them. Career, current job and the concepts of future ones. Games, movies, food, drink, laughs, normal things.

Is this a problem though, no, not really, it is normal, it happens, it is _ordinary_. GASP, yes! it is a problem! I hate the idea of being ordinary. I believe what has kept me unique has a lot to do with my analysis in writing, and exploration of thoughts feelings in word form. Also talking to smart people, wise people who have positive things to say, important questions to ask, and a level of respect and wisdom that is above the ordinary.

Admittedly though, I haven’t been totally ordinary, or ventless. I’m big on asian culture lately. Also I have a pile of video game thoughts that would probably be smart to compile into a gaming blog. I had some fun being normal, going out with people, having simple fun being dramaless has been nice for my sleep patterns. That being said, I still wish to be weirder, and more Sheridany, and write more.

After being accompanied to a movie about death by a used graphics card, I grabbed some dinner, walked through a dark cemetery and ate my food on a bench outside a hospital, all while listening to the overemotional Evanescence.

But I was in a pretty good mood. Albeit hearing the worst song ever on the radio in subway irked me, everything else was pretty good.

I thought about comedy, and what it takes, and remembering times when I had that. Also about being nice, and remembering times where I could show that. Thought about death, and how I’m not there. Sickness and the health that I have. Family and how they are a click or phone call away.

Depressing things have the opposite effect. However super cheery things depress me. Watching a happy romance, fairy tale ending would just bum me out. Ha.

I’ve understood that many people foolishly put hopes, happiness in the hands of famous celebrities. Then they scream or cry or have all these crazy emotional reactions to someone they haven’t met. It’s a bit odd, but if there isn’t inspiration or connection in real life, I’m not surprised it happens. Attachments to Michael Jackson have waned, as most people are mere fans of the music due to his … less than inspirational state of the last decade or two. But others, would cause major trauma around the world. Can you imagine if, Groban, Celine Dion died? a Springsteen or Madonna? All sorts of will be deeply saddened and have all these stories of how these celebs gave them strength, or got them through tough times.

For myself, (more…)

I’ve taken a huge blog break. I feel that in the past two months or so, I have had a lot of issues next to me, my analogy is being in a pool, and there are objects all around me.
Some of them are really close, and some people are really close, but instead of trying to swap a downer object for a happy object, and having it get even more crowded, I just thrust them all away, and am left with a lot more space, and room to just be.
Words in this state weren’t really coming. I wasn’t feeling pressure, or much emotion at all. I’m writing this as I come down to coherence and reality from the clouds, because I can’t keep issues away forever. But after my refresh, they certainly fall in a different order.

It’s good to step back, be still, and re-evaluate things…. I just replaced the whole paragraph with the aformentioned simple sentence. But that’s ok, it is a refining process.

I don’t know what it is about freedom that we like. But I like it.

well, today I do.
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My fingers are the way I express myself. I provide my income, and people form opinion of me by the thoughts in my head translated with fingers through a keyboard. Well, whats notable about that? Perhaps whats missing, the immediacy is missing since its at a pace I can control, also it lacks visual cues. A frown, or harsh tone may exist, but with just words on a screen, it won’t be noticed unless it’s intentional.

Another way to communicate, which I dont use, is the phone. I hate the phone. The pacing is so slow, and forced. Plus you don’t get the visual cues either. It’s boring to me and frustrating.

What’s best, which is no surprise, is face to face, full communication.

It just sorta sucks when you don’t have that option. Sometimes it’s quite minor, sometimes it’s quite tragic.