For the past, month perhaps, my state of being has not been particularly communicable. The answer to, ‘how are you’, was often, ‘i dont know’. Then I didn’t really feel I had much of a place to start conversations with other people if I was unable to communicate with myself. I had some moments of automation which did not require the real Sheridan to be uncovered.

I can help people and be functional with work and things without actually being Sheridan. I suppose that is still who I am, but it has become second nature to the point where even if my imaginary dog dies, I can still help you with your boyfriend or explain the projectile motion used in my game. Because I can perform most tasks that I do in a normal week, I have not felt an urgent need to evaluate myself. People who ask how I am doing don’t really need to know. Nor do I. Auto-pilot Sheridan is pretty decent.

I found more and more solace in my foreign language music. When taking a break from kpop or jrock I jumped over to my original non-english love, french dancypop. I was excited for Lost again, a television show that has more things that don’t make sense, than ones that do. And some more music that messes with my head. Breakbeat Trip-hop.

I became fascinated about learning very random topics. Celebrated holidays in Korea including White Day, Green Day, Hug Day; the lunisolar calendar which I can’t really quite grasp how it re-aligns itself; Watching David Blaine explain how he can oxygenate his lungs and then go under water for 17 minutes with a near certain belief he would blackout; a Japanese pop star with a entirely computer generated voice and a green haired anime girl; these make up some of the things on my mind lately.

These things don’t really make sense, nor are they particularly relevant to anything in my life. It is easier to avoid thinking about my state if I keep my brain in a world in which I don’t participate in. I suppose that’s part of the appeal of role playing games, fantasy novels, and hallucinogenetic drugs. But I wouldn’t know from experience. Frankly they scare me.

So ya, brain disconnection. I will leave you with this JRock engrish gem.
“There is the time level that wants to bark at even whom.
I let you sing ’cause there is few it and is good, and send it.”

I’ve admired some successful people who are absolutely focused on one goal and are at the top of their field. They push through trials and make many sacrifices to get to where they are, combined with raw natural ability.

But do I admire these people now? Umm, not necessarily. Maybe all those sacrifices were bad sacrifices. Is it better to be the number one physicist in the world and divorced, or number eight, with a happy wife?

Is it better to be the king of pop, or the duchess of dutch youtube covers?
Do you really want to be good at one thing and only one thing? Or maybe masterful in two, three four things as in the case of Michael and straight up twisted in so many other things.

Then there are the people who devote themself fully, and come up short. These are the majority but you don’t hear about them. How many people worked just as hard as michael jordan but never even played in a televised basketball game. Tons. They invested so much and could have made even bigger sacrifices, all for what?

There is the tragedy of being a circle also. I’ve tried to become more versatile, learning skills that I’m not normally good at. Drawing for one, and driving for another. Sometimes these versatilities prove to be useful, or expand my horizons. However if I spent an equal amount of time drawing as driving as programming, then I don’t think i’d be good enough to make a living at any of them. Also, if I am in the mix of a large group of people, all the master at a few things, and I can adequately perform the same tasks at a lower rate. Am I important? If something had to be done, then the master would be the best to do it. In baseball, the utility players are often what you describe the bench players since the starters all have a mastered role.

Being average at everything also makes you pretty boring I think. Nobody is enthused by someone with twenty passions. University degrees sometimes try to encourage well-roundedness. But when all is said and done, a single degree has a single subject and single focus. Gone are the days where generalists can tend the farm, build a shack, herd some goats and charm the damsels. Now we value specialists, but when they go too far, who is there to catch them? Do we even care that they fall? How many of us just look for those opportunities to become even better in that one category and who are we to assume we can navigate the narrowing cliff side without disaster?

For others spikes or amoebas might be perfect for them, or lead them to ruin. I try to be a raindrop although …
if (currenttime-time < lately) { setmode(spike); }.
Ya, I went there. Point proved.

My blogs and notebooks have gone for quite a while untouched.
The questions like, how are you doing, or how is life have gone unasked.
Or in the cases they are asked, the tone or audience is bothersome.
So what happens to my mind, and soul if they are left to their lonesome?

I have known this before about myself, and I think it is a general human trait. My thoughts loop when I don’t get them out. I don’t escape from them, but I hope they fade away. I can numb them or distract myself from them but that is just as productive as shutting my eyes in the face of a mountain lion. It is still there. When I open my eyes I will see it, and if I close my eyes shut, it can still get me.

So what do I think about? What does any single 25 year old games programmer think about? Women, specific ones, and the concepts of them. Career, current job and the concepts of future ones. Games, movies, food, drink, laughs, normal things.

Is this a problem though, no, not really, it is normal, it happens, it is _ordinary_. GASP, yes! it is a problem! I hate the idea of being ordinary. I believe what has kept me unique has a lot to do with my analysis in writing, and exploration of thoughts feelings in word form. Also talking to smart people, wise people who have positive things to say, important questions to ask, and a level of respect and wisdom that is above the ordinary.

Admittedly though, I haven’t been totally ordinary, or ventless. I’m big on asian culture lately. Also I have a pile of video game thoughts that would probably be smart to compile into a gaming blog. I had some fun being normal, going out with people, having simple fun being dramaless has been nice for my sleep patterns. That being said, I still wish to be weirder, and more Sheridany, and write more.

My fingers are the way I express myself. I provide my income, and people form opinion of me by the thoughts in my head translated with fingers through a keyboard. Well, whats notable about that? Perhaps whats missing, the immediacy is missing since its at a pace I can control, also it lacks visual cues. A frown, or harsh tone may exist, but with just words on a screen, it won’t be noticed unless it’s intentional.

Another way to communicate, which I dont use, is the phone. I hate the phone. The pacing is so slow, and forced. Plus you don’t get the visual cues either. It’s boring to me and frustrating.

What’s best, which is no surprise, is face to face, full communication.

It just sorta sucks when you don’t have that option. Sometimes it’s quite minor, sometimes it’s quite tragic.

Growing up, I used to have the honest “yuck gross” reaction when they would finally kiss at the end of a movie. I wouldn’t understand what emotions could possibly make someone give blind beggars hundred dollar bills to find a female. I mean, for a brother I understand the huge tight connection. I would do a lot for my brother and he for me. We basically grew up together and went through the same life, so I am tied to him, plus I know I can rely on him if needed, beyond any other person I could ever meet.

So if the guy who chases the girl has no relation, minimal contact and history, what is he really chasing and how does he know its life-riskingly strong? What guaranteed value can you find in the flowing hair in rays of sunlight? The kind eyes and tender touch who will heal all wounds? Every struggle is worth it for these intangible things. The feeling that is tied to our heart so deeply we scream out for it and spend 15 dollars to get a taste of it.

That all-powerful, never-ending, romantic love.
(more…)

This is a strange place in life

After watching an incredibly artistic, interesting, miserable movie; I went to the grocery store, late on a saturday night. It was very dead, in fact everything seemed like a scene out of 28 days later, or I Am Legend where the city is empty. I don’t know why, but I loved those scenes immensely. Last night I walked home at 5:30-6am and it definitely was an experience, why did I enjoy it, or did I enjoy it? I didn’t have joy from it. But back to today, I stood in the street, not listening to music and it just felt very something, or very nothing…

On my road,
– down the center,
– - as I often walk.

‘Tis quite cold,
– but not too cold
– - I have two jackets.

Bags in hand,
- infront of me I view,
- – a dark dim street.

The trees arc,
- faint lights shimmer,
- – calm wind blows.

No cars drive by,
- no passerbys.
- – No sound or motions.
(more…)

I have

Walked aimlessly and desperately in a tropical storm in the middle of the night.
Seen batman on a bicycle in a megalopolis.
Found black Santa.
Talked to an NHL store staffer who didn’t know the CALGARY FLAMES.
Signed up for a tour for one which became a tour for none.
Tried on a thousand dollar replacement for a drawstring or properly fitting pants.
Found the One Ring to Rule Them All.
Walked by professional objects of ooglement, twice. (No, CFL girls in cowboy boots don’t count)
Slept in a famous .. and uncomfortable park.
Slept in an airport.
Crossed a forbidden zone and didn’t care when I was found. (Don’t worry mom, this one is literal.)
Saw the local language transform from night to day in the same place.
Walked through a major highway interchange… and back.
Been afraid to open the door to explore my surroundings.
Asked a waitress for electrical energy while I ate.
Backpacked an astonishing beach.
Ordered a hot drink on a very hot day.
Consciously donated to the grocery store.
Watched a movie and saw where I once stood.
Stood places I’ve seen in movies. (No zombies in grand central, or King Kong on Empire State)
Sent flowers that cost more than my currently worn fix-a-broken-heart shirt per flower.
Tried.
Cried.
Been in a romance movie.
Kissed a hologram.
Seen the night.
Seen the light.
Seen the might.
Needed a hug, needed counsel.
Found a hug, found counsel.
Been comforted by a smiling sea vessel.
Dodged a railed land vessel.

Life gets you down
but who is around
when you all you want is to cry
or even straight up die
why are there so many corners
and where are all the shoulders
maybe they are on their own
or they have never known
how to be someone for someone
or to let themself be undone

(i am not the least bit suicidal, it just rhymed)
(cry in a corner? it is slightly disjointed. oh well)
(themself should be a word, i dont like themselves)

walk fast
walk by
make them wonder
make them look
give them a glimpse
give them a blur
some place to go
some people to see
a life that awaits
a life that is admired
because my feet move
. . . faster than yours

I have twenty four years and I dont have much to say.
beep beep beep beeeeeeeep.
What will be in the next 24 !? *queue 24 closing music*