After being accompanied to a movie about death by a used graphics card, I grabbed some dinner, walked through a dark cemetery and ate my food on a bench outside a hospital, all while listening to the overemotional Evanescence.

But I was in a pretty good mood. Albeit hearing the worst song ever on the radio in subway irked me, everything else was pretty good.

I thought about comedy, and what it takes, and remembering times when I had that. Also about being nice, and remembering times where I could show that. Thought about death, and how I’m not there. Sickness and the health that I have. Family and how they are a click or phone call away.

Depressing things have the opposite effect. However super cheery things depress me. Watching a happy romance, fairy tale ending would just bum me out. Ha.

I’ve taken a huge blog break. I feel that in the past two months or so, I have had a lot of issues next to me, my analogy is being in a pool, and there are objects all around me.
Some of them are really close, and some people are really close, but instead of trying to swap a downer object for a happy object, and having it get even more crowded, I just thrust them all away, and am left with a lot more space, and room to just be.
Words in this state weren’t really coming. I wasn’t feeling pressure, or much emotion at all. I’m writing this as I come down to coherence and reality from the clouds, because I can’t keep issues away forever. But after my refresh, they certainly fall in a different order.

It’s good to step back, be still, and re-evaluate things…. I just replaced the whole paragraph with the aformentioned simple sentence. But that’s ok, it is a refining process.

I don’t know what it is about freedom that we like. But I like it.

well, today I do.
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I dont know where reality went. Are mangoes even real?
I seem to only see them cubed, or blended.
I’ve never seen them on a plant.

I don’t doubt the moon.

A circle is not interlocked with others.

I find connection with delusional incomprehensibilities.
Mental patients in tv/movies are too relatable.
The TV show Lost clicks in my head.
The view outside my window does not.
I wonder if relationships are wax figures.
Or the opposite, where instead of appearing real
Everything is real except appearance.

My words are my friend.
But a connection? no,
Is holding your own hand a connection?
What is a self high five but sheer idiocy?
Blog writing may have evidence and spans time
But where is evidence for reality? After time what do I have?
Selfinteraction would fit in well at an institution. Except it isn’t a word
I wish I had a psychiatrist – to be told when I’m dreaming
To just tell random stories and play connect four in pajamas.

bing bong kablammo
sad stuff here below.
Proceed with caution.
Poetry ‘n motion

(If this 4 line poem gets put on a bus, poetry in motion people truly have no quality control)
oh, right, back to the sad stuff
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As a recent victim of LDR, long distance relationship, I have to look back as to what it was all about.

In one of my peak moments, someone asked me how it was dating someone far away. I told them it was flat out awful, why would I say such a thing? When it blows up in my face, how would I describe it then? Well let me try. LDR’ers good luck! You’ll need it.

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I dont think I’ve ever been so dangerous,
However dangerous sounds sorta cool, this certainly isn’t
In strength I can avoid danger and be careful
In weakness it is hard to care, I don’t know what will happen.

What happens when I don’t really like telling people what I’m all about, what I do? I don’t think people value the same things, or believe me that I’m real about it. I want to change the world which seems to be laughable these days? I also want to try hard, which also seems to be against the flow? “You put on a tie?! We are in tshirts, stop being different.”

But then I could be differently motivated. I could be at the top. Impress people at their game, the cultural game. Yet I feel like I’d be contradicting myself; I’d betray my other values?

So what is in the middle?
I know I want to change the circumstances of my life, I want to move forward but does this come at a cost of where I’ve come? Maybe I can have different priorities now. That should be acceptable. If I am used to putting effort toward my career, and helping people as friends first, how do I change that? I have to give something up. I have to change my mode of attack. I have to work on other areas that have value too. “culture’s game” of the night life and the romance life is not without merit. Why can’t I just do it all? Or work on these areas?

I think it is safer to keep the priorities I’ve had than to make new ones. What happens if I’m not good at the new objectives? I know I’m not good at the new objectives. I don’t have any guides or a safety net. Maybe it’s just not me? How am I supposed to be a friend husband father and that if I can’t really make the initial stuff happen?

Nothing new here, but another list of self-help gibberish.

• Fight through inadequacies,
• Make my own priorities
• Pursue them at appropriate times
• Be willing to change, adapt
• Accept failure as an option
• Accept success as an option.

Specifically … (more…)

I think i’ve written about this before, but defending my character and honor is worth an extremely high amount to me. It is who I am, and I am willing to endure attacks and unrest for the preservation of this.

But on the other hand, I am willing to admit flaws and things I am working on ? I readily admit fault and I am a good apologizer I guess. I dont actually take those things as hurting my character? Perhaps because I respect people more who admit their mistakes and are willing to do something about it.

I am willing to do anything to improve my character, well as long as fear doesn’t overwhelm me. Stupid fear, why must things like rejection or failure hold me back! They might not even be manifested , I could be successful and yet the possibility still bothers me.

Most of all I just want to be Sheridan, and I feel so powerful when I am the person I’m made to be, its like when I am walking on the road that was laid out for me, I can sprint and jump and have sure footing! It’s awesome. However getting off track is scary, and there are times that I’ve really fallen and caused a lot of hurt, not only for myself but for others. I wish I could learn how important it was to stay true without messing up. But messing up sure has taught me that I dont want to mess up again.

Also, I think the way I can be a positive influence or help others is to be in a good place myself. Two messed up people can sorta maybe make a hodgepodge of fixing but I’d rather be in a good place before I can extend my hand out for others. And when I mess up I hope the person I reach out for is also in a solid place since there are many sources of ‘help’ that aren’t actually helpful at all.

When I am low, I hate talking to some people, especially people that I want to leave a good impression on. So I just keep it in for fear of leaking badness. If I don’t give people a close look at me, then they could only see my shining armor. But I can’t live like this. I am a real person who messes up. I try to be the perfect prince but it doesn’t always work out. Oscar the grouch had shining ‘armor’ too.

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