SNL

Schwartzenegger: Listen, listen to me, the change has been important in America! You know, with the riotings, and the front of the buses, and the havings of the dreams, and all of these things. … But one thing I will never throw into the garbage is the Constitution, because I’m the Constitutionator!

Office Space

Milton: The ratio of people to cake is too big.

Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…

The Office (USA)

Dwight: I’m a loyal person … But if there were somewhere else that would value that loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

[Discussing 3 books to take on desert island]
Dwight: Is there firewood on the island?
Jim: Yes
Dwight: Then I would take an axe, no books.
Jim: It has to be a book.
Dwight: Fine, I would take Physician’s Desk Reference… hollowed out. Inside would be waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. No… Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Michael Scott: I’m an early bird… and a night owl. So I’m wise and I umm have worms.

Dwight Schrute: He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No I’m like Butch Cassidy. You try to hurt Mozart and you’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy Butch Cassidy

[After they see that the condo walls are thin ]
Dwight Schrute: A 30 year mortgage means Michael is buying a coffin. If I were buying a coffin, I’d get one with thicker walls … so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.

Dwight: I have a beet farm
Michael: Nobody likes beets
Dwight: Everybody likes beets.
Michael: No they dont. You should grow something everyone does like. Like candy.

Jim Halpert: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This Guy! [Points two thumbs to his chest]

Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.

Scrubs

Janitor: What’s that all about?
JD: Can’t tell you. It’s Doctor-Patient confidentiallity.
Janitor: Oh, right. Tell me.
JD: No, no. I’m not kidding. I can’t.
Janitor: Can’t…. or *won’t*
JD: Can’t!
Janitor WON’T.

JD tries to open his locker which has a new lock.
Janitor: Yeah, there’s been some break-ins. And I changed all the locks in these lockers. You should get your new combination in the mail.
JD: Well, I didn’t. Do you know what it is?
Janitor: Yah.
JD: But you’re not gonna tell me, aren’t you?
Janitor: Can’t. Janitor-Locker confidentiallity.